I am looking for an Executive Assistant

I am looking for someone who can handle some of the tasks I’d rather not handle. In other words, an Executive Assistant.

You will handle official telephone calls and email. The telephone line rings once a month or thereabout, so there aren’t many calls to handle. We get emails daily, some of which are bin-worthy, some of which require a template response, and some of which may require you to consult with me before replying.

This job includes research duties. I am a writer. You new-generation people call it a more fancy name: content creator. I write mostly about mobile phones and the like. Sometimes, I get tired and need help figuring out what to write about. Maybe it is because I am approaching 50 and can’t seem to keep up with what the 20s and 30s crowd are currently excited about. You will help me appear to still be in touch with their reality by researching topics I can write about. Just get me the hot topics. I can handle the meat of the matter myself; I’ve still got teeth.

I love teaching and training, but I dislike being involved in the process that leads to the actual training, as well as the follow-up. I teach digital marketing, content creation, SEO, etc. Your job will include planning, organizing, and executing our training programmes. All I want to do is show up to teach/train, and crawl back into my bat cave after.

I don’t have a schedule for my trainings right now, because, yes; I really don’t like the organizing part. But a quarterly schedule is ideal. Four training classes a year. The trainings can be physical or virtual; I am comfortable with both. You decide. If you can take a training out of town, I love travelling. But I hear kidnappers and bandits are on the prowl these days, so, let’s keep things virtual.

What will your workload be like? The topic researching thing is what will constitute most of your work with me. One topic per day is all I need. All the other tasks are so lightweight or spread far apart that your days will be easy and light. You will have time to do courses, sleep, watch movies, see your boy/girlfriend regularly, and even build a startup on the side, if you want.

I am not a taskmaster and will not burden you with a heavy workload, but I do insist on excellence. Some find me difficult to work with because of this insistence on excellence. I am not repentant and have no desire to change that standard. Wishy-washy work will never sit well with me. A lack of commitment will not either.

You have to be online all the time during work hours, as I communicate by email or instant messaging. Your phone will not buzz off the hook with messages from me, but I do expect that when I message, I do not have to wait for too long for a response or have to eventually chase you around with a telephone call. I am not a fan of telephone calls. All you need for this role is an Internet-connected smartphone with good battery life. No PC or laptop is required.

This is an entry-level, remote working role and requires a hands-on person who is able to take initiative. I have worked from home, car, interstate luxury bus, hotel room, mountain top, beach, park, cinema hall, pretty much anywhere I am, almost all my adult life, and I don’t think that an office is necessary for this role. COVID is outside too.

You should be able to take up this job regardless of where you are resident anywhere in the country – Lagos, Abeokuta, Abuja, or a small town in Ekiti, Abia, or Taraba. It doesn’t matter to me. But your English must be good; don’t embarrass me on the phone to my clients. Your written English has to be good too. Again, don’t embarrass me.

Are there any educational qualifications required? None at all. As long as you are able to do the job, we are good. Gender? No wahala; you can be or identify as anything that catches your fancy. We are good.

Now that I have spelt out how horrible working with me is and the work schedule you can expect, let’s answer the almighty question of how much I am paying. I am offering remuneration that is commensurate to the job description and workload spelt out above. It includes a monthly salary, and a monthly allowance that is enough to get you 24 GB data on 9mobile, MTN, Airtel, or Glo monthly (you can get almost 48 GB data with that on MTN, actually)

If you are 200% sure this is the kind of thing you have always wanted to do, and you tick all the right boxes, email me to tell me why you think you are my next Executive Assistant. Attach your CV too.

Update: Shortlisting has been done and so this is closed,